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To my old journal. The name Luna doesn't suit me any longer. If you'd like to follow my other journal, send me a message!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I found myself walking through a familiar psychological Gloomsville, where life holds no meaning and hope is but a fleeting thought in the minds of the few who dare to try and reach for it. But there they find nothing, because it just doesn't exist. No hope, just dread dread dread until I'm dead dead dead.

My desperation was overwhelming.

So I found, dundundun, yet another licensed therapist. This makes 3, in my quest to discover a modicum of a sliver of happiness. But after a slight interview in the very first session, I had a feeling brought back that I haven't felt in so long, I forgot what it was. And that feeling was... hope.

How, you ask?

Three little letters: HRT. One session, one letter, one call and one recommendation.

Hope hope hope. Feels good, you know... feels good.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I'm not dead yet.

Updates, updates...

not that anyone is listening...

I'm in therapy again, biweekly. Mighy be starting hormones soon, gotta do some research! Looking for a Luna-job instead of a Luna-pretending-to-be-a-man job, and damn it all I'm scared to death.

Whee. My therapist told me I need to work on my verbal communication skills. Also it turns out that I'm not just an asthmatic afibbing transgender, I'm an asthmatic afibbing gluten-sensitive asperger's transgender. And my daughter has 3 of those as well (she's not afibbing yet, and as far as I can tell she's not transgender either).

Well, the good points of my life are... good. I own my own house, my car is working again (...a lot happens in 6 months... my car broke down 4 months ago, just got it fixed last week) I'm in a transgender support group consisting of like 5 people including myself, and by golly I just stepped down from a position I absolutely abhorred being in at work. Best part? I have a loving, wonderful wife to help me through it all. Don't freak out, people, we're not "legal" married... but I wish we could be.

Life is crunchy right now. It's in the milk, but still crunchy.
 
 
 
 
 
 
...but Facebook, Twitter, Google+, these things me naught to me.

I was in the ER all day yesterday. Very nearly died. I have an atrial fibrillation, more affectionately known as an Afib. The symptoms finally subsided after four failed attempts at forcing my heart to beat normal. Now, here I am, in my early 30s (dear god, when did this happen?) haven't transitioned near enough, and at high risk for other heart defects and stroke. Oh, and I have to take certain medications for the rest of my life.

Come on, LIFE! What other obstacles can you throw at me? I'm ready for whatever you've got!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I look at my life and wonder how it all came to this. My job sucks...

And I suck...

Just wanna be...

Somewhere... I'm appreciated...


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

 
 
 
 
 
 
I feel so desolate, so empty.
Sometimes I feel as if the pain will never go away.

...I am not a bad person...

I tell myself...

I am not.. a bad person...

Why do I have to feel so unhappy? I have love... I have hope...

I have... I have...

A vacuum in my soul...

I just want it to go away...
 
 
 
 
 
 
Marvin's depressing quote aside, things are looking up.


12/31/2010: Chrystal takes me to McDonald's. Seems silly, but we're poor and it was all we could do. New Years Eve, just before midnight. I'm dressed as Luna, for the first time in my life. Somewhat publicly. I brought in the new year for the first time as the person I truly am.

1/1/2010: I cry. Joy, relief, whatever.

Life continues somewhat normally. My mother informs me that my uncle, Erik, who I've always been blatantly compared to because of our eerie similarities, would like to talk to me in e-mail. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. No, that doesn't mean he's transgender, but the other similarities are just eerie.

I practice things, I still need to work on my voice... I'm about to start electrolysis, though I'm scared and I keep putting it off. Bad Luna.

Yesterday, 2/6/2011, I went out, in public, totally, as Luna. I shopped for women's clothes, just as I was, then got dressed up in an adorable pink plaid shirt and went to the movies. I was horrifyingly scared, but Chrystal held my hand until she wanted concessions. I went to sit down, and due to my fear, ran into the wrong theater. Sitting there waiting, and waiting, and waiting, I realized my mistake finally and bumped into her on her way out of the correct theater while trying to make my way in. We watched The Green Hornet, I got a few weird looks. Chrystal says it was because we looked like lesbians, not because I didn't pass. I know better, but she's not so sure. We get out, I drive her to work (which is also where I work) and I'm still in full Luna mode. I don't know if anyone I work with saw me. I drive home, crash into bed in an emotionally exhausted heap, and fall asleep for two hours.

Luna.

I may actually be doing this. I might actually be able to.

Going to work today, 2/7/2011, I put on my regular guy clothes. I'm screaming at myself in my head. Why is it so hard? I was dizzy all day. Like my head was on a roller coaster, and on fire. It's been bothering me a lot lately, but it gets better when I'm just Luna. When I can get out of the shell, maybe I can feel better. Finally. Maybe it really is all psychological. Maybe my headaches are from all this constant pretending. Maybe it can stop now. Maybe.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I can hear it through the walls... is it real, or is my sense of reality fading into the darkness again? I'm afraid it's in my head, I hear it at work too. I'm letting things.. everything... get to me. Grawh.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Happy Birthday, I hope it goes well.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Kill me
Cause I can't do it myself
[/poem]