Marvin's depressing quote aside, things are looking up.
12/31/2010: Chrystal takes me to McDonald's. Seems silly, but we're poor and it was all we could do. New Years Eve, just before midnight. I'm dressed as Luna, for the first time in my life. Somewhat publicly. I brought in the new year for the first time as the person I truly am.
1/1/2010: I cry. Joy, relief, whatever.
Life continues somewhat normally. My mother informs me that my uncle, Erik, who I've always been blatantly compared to because of our eerie similarities, would like to talk to me in e-mail. We have more in common than I ever thought possible. No, that doesn't mean he's transgender, but the other similarities are just eerie.
I practice things, I still need to work on my voice... I'm about to start electrolysis, though I'm scared and I keep putting it off. Bad Luna.
Yesterday, 2/6/2011, I went out, in public, totally, as Luna. I shopped for women's clothes, just as I was, then got dressed up in an adorable pink plaid shirt and went to the movies. I was horrifyingly scared, but Chrystal held my hand until she wanted concessions. I went to sit down, and due to my fear, ran into the wrong theater. Sitting there waiting, and waiting, and waiting, I realized my mistake finally and bumped into her on her way out of the correct theater while trying to make my way in. We watched The Green Hornet, I got a few weird looks. Chrystal says it was because we looked like lesbians, not because I didn't pass. I know better, but she's not so sure. We get out, I drive her to work (which is also where I work) and I'm still in full Luna mode. I don't know if anyone I work with saw me. I drive home, crash into bed in an emotionally exhausted heap, and fall asleep for two hours.
I may actually be doing this. I might actually be able to.
Going to work today, 2/7/2011, I put on my regular guy clothes. I'm screaming at myself in my head. Why is it so hard? I was dizzy all day. Like my head was on a roller coaster, and on fire. It's been bothering me a lot lately, but it gets better when I'm just Luna. When I can get out of the shell, maybe I can feel better. Finally. Maybe it really is all psychological. Maybe my headaches are from all this constant pretending. Maybe it can stop now. Maybe.