Like a wave over my heart or an earthquake back in my soul, there I am. Where was I? Tahiti? Bangladesh? Wyoming?

How do I get through and stay? I mean what the hell... being locked up all the time is rough. But that seems to be my lot in life, my protector is a jailer, a stone gargoyle emotionlessly pulling me through the daily grind that must be done to survive. And then, sometimes, I escape...

Write down a few words...

And disappear.

My dear friend, coming back to visit again
How I have missed your bitter embrace
That discontent and frigid old face
Have you always been there, I wonder...
Slowly ripping my hearstrings asunder?
But in spite of my long and weary war
I forgot whatever I was striving for
And somehow you snuck right back inside
You left me alone with no place to hide
So welcome back my lovely disease
Come do with me whatever you please

I missed you

I missed your pain

Anxiety

I want to get internet. Why, why, why? I feel happier without it, but then I miss downloading stuff, watching hulu, and being able to read random junk on wikipedia. Can I do it and avoid tumbling into socializing online too much again? Meh... losing friends slowly regardless, it's partially my own fault.

I'm on a diet, I need an Oreo. :(

I try to write, the words come but the content sucks. Where's the flavor, the zest, the zeal? As I type this in a dark room on a phone with no keyboard I wonder why I try... why I even want to.

Some days I wonder if I should crawl out of bed and go to work. Yeah... I should. I mean... promotion and all, it still feels rough to go. The good part is getting out of electronics (for three weeks now) away from all the frustratingly lazy people, the bad part is I'm managing an otherwise empty department. Work aside...

Chrystal proposed to me. It was so sweet! We can't do a traditional legal wedding... it would essentially force us to divorce so I could have SRS. But a ceremony? Sure. We gotta decide on a date though... what day do hopeless romantics get married on these days? I wasn't expecting the proposal anyway... but like someone once said... ain't that a kick in the head?

Today I've been packing to move in with Chrystal (which is happening Friday). I tell myself this is my shot to be myself. I've been practicing my feminine voice, and trying to get in touch with a gender psychiatrist. Y'know, a real one. Once my money spending stops spiraling out of control (medical bills are a bitch) maybe I can afford some electrolysis.

With support from someone, what can I achieve?

And what's it say about me that I want and need support so much?

Ah well.

The best things in life are too often left unsaid,
The worst things in life are too often the focus...
I'd like to take this time to point out the good things,

Like love,

it transforms us, changes us... our experiences in love make us better people...

Like wonder,

it entices us, drives us... our curiosity for the unknown shapes our future...

Like hope,

it keeps us going, gives us something to look forward to... our hope keeps us from drowning in sorrow...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I remember that I'll always have love -- if not for me, for others. I remember that I'll have wonder -- my capacity to learn overshadows my eternal forgetfulness. I remember that I always have hope -- hope that one day I will change for the better, and maybe find something that I like.

These are basic tenets...

It was raining. Not that it really set the mood, but it sure felt like thunder in my head. I told myself: "One day I'll make it work." But today, no, today it all fell apart.

It was raining. They used to tell me it was a good thing, and I loved it.

...maybe I still do, a little bit...

Is it the lack of sleep? Poor diet? Rising lunacy? Stress and worry over the house? Shoot shoot shoot. I really need to get my stuff together.

Posted via LjBeetle

As some of you know, my birthday was two days ago.

Yeahhhh I always have lousy birthdays. I watched a bunch of DBZ episodes in Japanese and wasted a lot of time to make the day go by faster.

And it was, of course, a letdown as usual. The good part is Holly made me 3 mice out of clay. I gotta find a display case to put them in, as it's non-drying clay.

Sara, a girl I've been talking to off and on for the past couple of years gave me my first happy birthday, which made me all warm and happy. We might be becoming more than just friends... time will tell. Problem is she's only 19, and she's going to college 3 hours away from me soon. Right now she's only an hour away.

We'll probably meet up on Friday, if everything works out.

So... two good things on my birthday. I suppose that's better than last year. I'm upset over how many people forgot, though.